I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
