Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
organizing the empties. That sober.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
