You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
