if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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