woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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