I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
me + whiskey = a bad person
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize