she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
