I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
