I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
