peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
