I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
