I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
