Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
