He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
