I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
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If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
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Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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