He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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