Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
