Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
