I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
