Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
