I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
