we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
