i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
