So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
