I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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