My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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