she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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