I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
