I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
