I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
