You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
