you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Your cock deserves a montage
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
