Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
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