after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
