hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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