you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
