It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
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i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
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i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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