your room smells of hookers.
And success
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
