I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
