my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
