The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
