think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
