it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
