all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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