when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
