I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
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She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
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I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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