trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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