How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
