So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
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I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
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Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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