i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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