Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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