I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
