The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I am available for nakedness
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
