I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
