are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
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She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
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I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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