From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
